To absurdity and beyond
by A wee Moose
Summary: Many many copyrights violated, w00t


Captain's Log and Vitamins Supplemental: The Borg is back. Instead of assumilating they are now terrorizing the galaxy with stinky cheese weaponry.  
  
"Captain, contain yourself, you know you need your vitamins." CMO Kiya Black Wolf said 'tsk-tsking'.  
  
"But.. but!! I don't like vitamins!" Stryker pouts.  
  
"You also don't like Sickbay, pick your poison Cap'n. Vitamins or a fun check-up!"  
  
Stryker grumbles, "Doctor, you know I have a quadrant to save from cheeze today!"  
  
Stryker intends to grab Kiya, trips on carpet, and falls. Soon, a golden haired woman walks onto the set, erm, bridge. "who are you ?" Stryker demands.  
  
"Ship's Counselor, Jolene Blalock. My job is to sit on the bridge wearing low-cut outfits that will distract any male Borg drones we encounter."  
  
Ominous music played. "Uh uh. That music again" Stryker remarked.  
  
A differenet version of Krone appears on viewscreen.  
  
"The Pretoria has to stop the bald Krone clone before he carries his nefarious plan to write a tell-all book."  
  
Sabaqwa Isth in famous Catform strolls onto the bridge, sees the bald version of Krone on the viewscreen, stammers a minute, then continues.  
  
"I understood there is an audition for people with low-cut outfits?" Counselor Blalock glares at him.  
  
"I have come prepared then! I always wear a low-cut shirt! More chesthair that way!"  
  
"Sab, there is no audition." Kiya smirks, pulling him to the door.  
  
"No, but, wait!"  
  
"What?" she stops looking impatient.  
  
"Where's the cheese? Someone else said there's a party tray!" Sab almost pouts.  
  
"Come to Sickbay, I'll make you a party tray."  
  
"With cheese?"  
  
"Possibly. It's Sickbay, you never know."  
  
"You shouldn't have forced me to go Kiya." Sab pouted.  
  
Kiya smirked, tapping one finger, waiting for him to notice. Finally the silence and her stare were killing him.  
  
"Kiya, what are you staring at?"  
  
She points, Sab looks down, realizing in his haste to audition, he forgot his pants.  
  
Krone's bold evil clone fires his ships's phasers at Pretoria. Rakurai Stryker does a pointless action scene, running away from explosions like Captain Archer did in Zero Hour.  
  
The Starship Pretoria does an Origami trick to transform into a giant ....  
  
cheeseball, leaving the crew running in circles trying to find a way to...  
  
get rid of the Blue Screen of Death message on the viewscreen.  
  
The pink tutu-wearing Klingon arrived on the bridge, saying ...  
  
"Lalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala--" falls off stage  
  
Walter Cronkite: And that's the way it was!  
  
Random Ensign #5: How did you get here?  
  
Cronkite: I...don't...know! poofs  
  
Random Ensign #5 randomly gets a promotion and a name  
  
Lieutenant Bob: Ha! I beat you, I beat you! :P  
  
Random Ensign #4: :hmmm:  
  
SUDDENLY The Klingon in pink tutu gets up again and undergoes a disturbing transformation.  
  
Once the 1960s style SFX is done and over with, a long legged Highschool aged Girl stands here, "On, behalf of the Moon, I will right wrongs and triumph over evil! and that means you!!"  
  
Then the gaint cheeseball Pretoria crashed into ...  
  
a giant cheese ball.  
  
Then God descended from the heavens and said, "Thou shalt not have aliens in the universe. Destroy!!!"  
  
Then the Pretoria opened fire on God, fighting until the death. But commercials broke in and when they returned, the scene was cut straight to the part where everyone was safe at home.  
  
Then... the cast of Friends dropped in on the Pretoria, and began singing the theme song over the comm system,  
  
until everyone wanted to scream.  
  
At which point the previously cheesballed Pretoria crew went running for the escape pods, and... encountered their counterparts from the Nightmare Universe, where all the males were married to Lwaxana Troi and the women all married to Roger Rabbit.  
  
The two seperate groups stared at each other for a while, then shrugged and started dancing a polka and tossing the tribble around. A security showed up with phaser rifles, and vaporized the cast of Friends.  
  
Stryker and Kiya grabbed electric guitars and hammered off some ripped licks of "Celebrate Good Times"  
  
and partied like it was 1999.  
  
Then Andy Worhol showed up serving Campbells Soup to Random Ensign #4. Meanwhile Sabaqwa was running on all fours, chasing a mouse, and Stryker jumped on the table screaming like a little girl.  
  
Random Ensign #3 turned into a pile of crystals and melted. Then the Power Rangers arrived and Tripped on their zords, bruising their costume designer's ego.  
  
Seeing the Power Rangers, Sabaqwa jumped up beside Stryker on the table screaming like a little girl.  
  
Meanwhile, Random Ensign #3 rematerializes as Shredder and demands everyone release the Turtles to him or he will give coffee to all kids onboard underneath the age of 8.  
  
Then the evil clone of Krone showed up again and Forced Sabaqwa to wrestle a banker's dozen of 400 pound Sumo Pink Power Rangers!  
  
Then all the kids rebelled in a perfectly orchestrated coup, and  
  
Tied Lt. Krone, and evil clone Krone Andy Warhol to a band of crazed Ferengi, and River Dancing Borg drones.  
  
Steven Hawking come rolling in on this wheelchair Wished Lt. Krone, evil clone Krone and Andy Worhol well on their engagement to the nice-looking group of crazed Ferengis.  
  
Lt. Krone screamed for help, but evil Krone told him to take it like a man,  
  
At which point Andy Warhol jumped into the car from Knight Rider. Loaded Steven Hawking in KITT as well, and drove away.  
  
Meanwhile Shredder noticed Alice Brangwin and Sammy McIvers kinda looks like April O'Neil and shouted but he couldn't figure out did washroom is which given the alien symbol on the washroom doors leading the men's and women's.  
  
Rakurai Stryker ran up to him, gave Shredder a wedgie and yelled "I am not a Ninja Turtle"  
  
Alice started singing, "PEANUT BUTTER jelly time !"  
  
Sammy get her hair done like Elvira and Painted her nails black and grabbed Stryker for a holloween jig, just as Shredder exited the bridge screaming for escape and a washroom he could understand.  
  
Then Walter Cronkite and Captain Kangaroo walked out of a turbolift together scaring Captain Picard, who had suddenly flashed onto the bridge in a Q-flash poor Picard stepped on a burning bag, dog poo pouring out the sides of the bag. Walter Cronkite and Captain Kangaroo kidnaps the Ship's Counselor, Jolene Blalock and runs away.  
  
Then everyone started running to the escape pods again and As the Pretoria was converged on by millions of space dung beetles,  
  
Leaving Captain Picard with a stinky foot!...Half the people nearby is blinded by Picard's shiny bold head.  
  
Groundskeeper Willy talked up to Picard and says in a ultra thick Scottish accent, "Bonjourrrrrrrrrrrrrr"  
  
Picard replies "Yes, you will have to excuse me. I'm just on my way out... I'm not dressed properly."  
  
After which several of the jefferies tubes, replicators and hundreds of toilets shipwide exploded with hungry space dung beetles seeking Picard and his stinky foot!  
  
The cast of Friends reapear at just the wrong moment and along with Hanson, gets mmmm-bopped out into the vacuum of space.  
  
Stryker sings "swing your arms from side to side, Take one step then take another, Come on let's do the Mario !"  
  
Barney the Dinosaur eats Random Ensign 6 and 7 then Discovers Dorothy the Dinosaur and all four Wiggles who become his meal.  
  
But before he can swallow all of the last Wiggle, the Teletubbies come running, chasing Picard, who still has a stinky foot,  
  
and the last of the Mohecans arrived and danced the night away. At that point, the Pretoria was struck by dust particles rendering the shields and hull integrity offline. But this was answered by Morcando who walked onto the Bridge and kicked and punched everyone to the floor. He then took the Pretoria to Sestus III where he purchased large crates of Yak Cheese. This Yak Cheese was used to eat for times of hunger. He then was defeated by the crew of the Pretoria and thrown into the Brig.  
  
But Morcando's counterpart from the Mirror Universe, a woman of the same age and name, drinked Picard and Stryker under the table and stole the Leprechaun's gold, escaping in the 1960s Batmobile.  
  
As the Pretoria's crew looked on, Princess Leia walked into the bar and Ordered a stiff Buttered... but changed her mind watching the looks on all the male crewmembers, and ordered a Shirley Temple instead. Took one swig and spat it all over Sabaqwa who now looked like a bedragled Jabba the Hut. So he ordered Pizza Da Hut and he and Princess Leia sang "Cumbaya"...  
  
while Barf and Dot Matrix chased Spock and C3PO all over the Pretoria Amanda nabbed Spock by the ear and dragged him away.  
  
Barf and Sabaqwa both on all fours, circle each other, trying to butt stiff each other.  
  
Alice used a water gun on Dot Matrix and short her circuits out.  
  
Then a huge, one gallon coffee pot comes floating into the and then out again. Somewhere, something happens to some-person at some-point in time in some-way.  
  
All of a sudden, Bobby Boushay... Then a huge, one gallon coffee pot comes floating into the room ....  
  
followed by Bones McCoy and all the children, who have decided that would be a nice touch on an otherwise perfectly serene situation. When Q pops in and screams like a girl as a dung beetle has him by the seat of the pants and he can't get it off.  
  
Wesley Crusher takes shakey aim on Q's seat.. i mean the dung beetle, and and then all heaven broke loose! Angels were scatttered everywhere playing harps.  
  
Mr. Wesley Crusher takes shakey aim on Q's seat.. i mean the dung beetle, and fires his phaser. Q glares at Wesly Crusher, Wesly spontaneously combusts. The universe cheers. Wil Wheton shows up to protest.  
  
Then everyone tries to figure out who Bobby Boushay is.  
  
Then the robot from "Lost in Space" (TV series) shows up "Danger! Danger Will Robinson!" For which Will Wheaton beats the crap out of the robot and folds and spindles the mangled heap of metal into a humungous CHEESE-BALL BEAST!  
  
The infection spread to the tribble, who drank all the coffee on the ship!  
  
Janeway: Oh no! What are we going to do?!  
  
Lt. Bob: dunno. shoots Janeway  
  
Stryker: glares at Bob  
  
Bob: shrugs  
  
Stryker: Oh well, it was for the best. A singing tea pot appeared and dances, "Im a little tea pot, short and sweet." pointing to his mouth, "this is my input", points to his rear end, "this is my output"  
  
Wil Wheaton sticks his tongue out at everyone and leaves.  
  
Captain Janeway's grave pops up, sponsored by Tim Horton's.  
  
Alice and Stryker sings drunk songs "Bloemfontein is the city, where the Props are not pretty, we prepare to do battle with the Kiwis, we'll wheel them like a borrow, the Bokke warcrying Alive and at home. Alive and at home, aaaaaaaaaaaaalive and at home. Now where's the hour, At Loftus Rugby Stadium? there's grass burns on your arse, you kinda wish the grass was wet."  
  
Dr. McCoy and Kiya Black Wolf, drinking WAY too much coffee before the tribble eat it all And so they made some BBQ out of what was left of the tribbles and searched until they found Quark hiding in cargo bay 4 with 7 of 9.  
  
Made him replicate some beer followed by some more beer chased by some of the real stuff.  
  
At which point Kirk showed up and discovered he could handle synthahol better than the real stuff. Kiya and McCoy just winked at each other as Kirk passed out on the floor and Stryker shaved the Legend's head.  
  
When Kirk woke up, Alice made a very sultry voice, gently held him by the sides of his head, then cow licked his bald head.  
  
Sammy started singing "Swing Low, Sweet Chariot"  
  
Then someone switched off the gravity. And a band of Klingons in gravity suits boards the Pretoria and keelhauls Kirk back to Rura Pente to serve his time, (they didn't like him skipping in the middle of their card game the first time).  
  
At which point McCoy coughs cough - good - cough! riddance - cough beats it out the door with Kiya to parts unknown and a piece of cheese is eaten by a man. That man meets a woman. The woman turns out to be an alien. That alien turns out to be orange. That colour then becomes banned.  
  
Captian Kirk then saves the colour orange from all those who oppose it. Then something happens at the end of the hallway where 7of9 and Quark was wrestling, 7of9 clotheslines Quark.  
  
Quark got up, tried to get a Sleeper Hold on 7of9. Amanda returns, naps Kirk by the ear and multi-punches him in the stomach. She then force-palms Kirk in the chest, rupturing his inner organs and shattering his ribcage. Then Kirk got up and walked away.  
  
"Do you like stand there, press buttons just to look busy, when you are really completely useless on this ship ?" Stryker asked Random Ensign #10.  
  
Random Ensign #10 runs away, sobbing.  
  
7 of 9 continued to beat on Quark, Quark tapped out. But the referee was tackled by Belana. Belana and Worf started to circle each other. Belana growled deeply, meaning to threaten Worf with her fierce rumble, a terrible look of feral anger on her face.  
  
When Worf hears her growl, he gasps and does an irish jig. But will this be the last irish jig to ever be jiggled? Find out next time on Star Trek: Pretoria!  
  
THE END  
  
Or is it...?  
  
Suddenly, Pikachu showed up. And Shredder changed out of his PJs, into his usual evil armor, and shouting "OKAY, NOW I AM ANGRY. Stop ignoring me !"  
  
Since gravity was turned off, Capt. Sisko and Alice danced upsidedown on the ceiling.  
  
Meanwhile Pikachu spies Shredder, frowns and....  
  
"PIKA- CHUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!" and zaps Shredder mecilessly, illuminating Alice and Sisko's upside down dance on the cieling in a glory of disco-lighting!  
  
Just then....  
  
The Homestar Runner shows up, "Im sowwwy. The corrrect answer is a eeeeeemail."  
  
jumps out of a jefferies tube, singing the "Super Mario Brothers Themesong" and chasing the now charred and blackened Shredder all around the bridge thinking he is a Koopa Troopa in disguise.  
  
Meanwhile... the Digimon Emperor materializes out of thin air with Wormon and Chewbacca, and some tennis rackets, and  
  
Mortal Kombat music plays over the comm-system, and the Super Mario Brothersjumps out of a jefferies tube, singing the "Super Mario Brothers Themesong" and chasing the now charred and blackened Shredder all around the bridge thinking he is a Koopa Troopa in disguise.  
  
Meanwhile...  
  
The Digimon Emperor materializes out of thin air with Wormon and Chewbacca, and some tennis rackets, and starts dancing with the singing teapot, all the while whistling odd Arabian music. Then suddenly Q pops in and turns everyone into tribbles! The whole crew then realizes that tribbles are actually a higher form of being and the next step in the evolutionary chain, but then forget it all and start making lots and lots more tribbles. Everyone was content with their lives as little no-eyed Furbies, when in pops a Pink Elephant. 13,000 tribbles, no sorry. 14,259 tribbles now, all sqeek alot and jump on the ship's controls and take the Pretoria back in time.  
  
Mirror Universe. March 30, 1968. Fires phasers on Charlemagne, Québec to vaporize Celine Dion a few minutes before she's born.  
  
Returning to the proper universe and the 24th century The crew of Pretoria Tribbles have now become 17,989 and are getting terribly drunk on Sabaqwa-Tribble's newest brew made from the leavings of the elephant, who has decided tribbles arent so bad afterall. And they have a huge party with the teapot and the entire cast of Disney characters...  
  
Untill..... Stitch decides he and his cousins need a snack.. well, lots of them.  
  
...AND Q watches as 16,689 tribbles gets eaten, and the rest is restored to humaniods for no apprant reason what so ever.  
  
Unless Braga and Berman pressed the reset button again  
  
Romulans beam onboard, bearing gifts and 500 gallons of Romulan Ale everyone gets drunk and sets the reset button again. Only, chaos and karma being the imps they are, turn Braga and Berman into Tribbles.  
  
And suddenly, Q decides to take matters (chaos and karma specifically), into his own hands, and looses 16,689 hungry Klingon targhs upon Braga-Tribble and Berman-Tribble....  
  
Stay tuned for further updates here on The Pretoria Channel, followed by these words from our sponsors  
  
ADVERT  
Cheese ... Everyone loves it!  
Moose ... I dont know a person who hates moose.  
So go down your pet shop or local supermarket today and you'll see the newest thing... CHEESEMOOSES!  
for a discount go in and say 'Cheesemooses are cool '  
End  
  
Spider-Man and Superman smiles at the bloody mess that used to be Braga-Tribble and Berman-Tribble, then Begin to celebrate by cleaning up the mess. Superman shoots beams from his eyes, burning away the remnants of B & B. And Spiderman encases the very little that's left in a web bag and takes it out to the trashcan.  
  
Which isn't a trashcan, but R2D2 snoozing in the alley out back. When Data and R2D2 starts fighting. Pretoria encounters NX 01 Enterprise, Pretoria's crew gives the Enterprise crew a WWE style beating of a lifetime.  
  
Canada wins another Hockey World Cup then Krone sees a Resident Evil zombie walking in  
  
cut to cool shots of R2D2 using his little extendo-phaser to vapourize both the zombie and Data  
  
Meanwhile, back at the ranch:  
  
George: Well Lester, I reckon that this tribble thing might be like a coney missin' a head. How 'bout you?  
Lester: I figure it's more like a ball o' fluff.  
  
Suddenly, 20 000 tribbles materialize right in front of them.  
  
GeorgeLester: Ohhhhhh....  
  
Things were getting pretty quiet when....  
  
the crew of the Pretoria all morph into Wolf's Rain wolves and snarf up all the 20,000 tribbles, and chase George and Lester to the back fourty.  
  
Meanwhile back at the ranch, a Borg sphere materializes and settles down, crashing the ranch house to smithereens.  
  
Out of the Borg sphere stumbles Fry and Bender cussing each other for crashing the Borg sphere, when 500 fembots spill out of the wreckage and chase Bender and Fry, flailing them with pieces of the Borg crew, screaming "Death By Snu-Snu!!!"  
  
Bender and Fry look at each other, grin and they are joined by Freakazoid, the Animanics and Tiny Toons, together singing the Anvil Song, Anvils raining down, aimed by George Lucas.  
  
Meanwhile Stryker spraypaints the hull of NX 01 Enterprise in big red letters, "YOU DON'T EXIST"  
  
Gargoyles seen flying overhead and eating McDonalds burgers, because we all know that they're only fit for beings without digestive systems. While doing this, they forget what they're doing and fly into the anvils and plummet to the surface, hitting both Wiley Coyote and his identical twin Sam.  
  
Meanwhile, the RoadRunner and George the sheep dog are having tea and/or seed cakes when suddenly a hole in the ground opens and out rockets at super-toon speeds Meanwhile, the RoadRunner and George the sheep dog are having tea and/or seed cakes when suddenly a hole in the ground opens and out rockets at super-toon speeds...  
  
The 'toon version of Picard and cast as seen on "Wrath Of Riker" and everyone starts dancing to The Picard Song.  
  
Eventually someone finds a bikini, and straps it to Picard's bald head. The polka dots are particularly fetching against the red of his uniform, and he proudly pulls down his jacket in the 'Picard manoeuvre' as he turns to face the others before speaking.  
  
"Status report?" he requests, and waits in silence as Ensign # 1 and 2 is eaten by a yeti. Roadrunner answers Picard with "bloe beep beep"  
  
Amanda and Spock appraoches T'Pol, each grabs an ear and drags her away. Picard nods to Roadrunner' report.  
  
Beverly Crusher grabs a mallet, and screams a war cry, taking off running after Kiya Black Wolf, who decides nothing is more frightening that a ticked off red head with a mallet!  
  
Meanwhile, a troup of Cirque de Soliel clowns free T'Pol and treats her to the staring role in one of their crazy clown routines no one can figure out.  
  
When suddenly... the Blue Men come racing in and take the whole Pretoiria bridge by surprise As they raced by, the very disgruntled actor who played Lt. Bob makes a return appearance as JOE!!! As the whole crew is amazed by JOE!!!'s appearance, they forget about the blue men who proceed to use the replicator to make 3 tons of blue paint and paint the town blue!  
  
they forget about the blue men who proceed to use the replicator to make 3 tons of blue paint and paint the town blue ...  
  
Everyone stops the evil clone of Krone from his fiendish plan, to clone Wesly Crusher, a million times.  
  
Then the Death Star appears on sensors "Captain! She's packing quite a whallop!" Random Ensign #6 says in a fake scottish accent.  
  
For which Captain Stryker vaporizes him instantly saying, "There. No one should ever try to replace Scotty!" Stryker punches a button on his console and yells, "Send in the new engineer!"  
  
The turbolift opens and in steps the REAL Montgomery Scott, a wide grin on his face until Stryker shoots him, too.  
  
Bob (as Bob): Uh, Captain? I think that was the real one.  
  
Stryker: Oh. Oops. Uh, if anyone asks, it was, uh, Darth Vader. Yah, Vader, he's evil enough.  
  
Vader: As you shall soon find out.  
  
Stryker gives Vader a wedgie  
  
Luke Skywalker in run over by a school bus followed by an 18 wheeler.  
  
Then the female Terminator shows up Gives Darth Vader a higher and more digitaly superior wedgie. Vader will never walk the same again...  
  
The female Terminator turns from Vader, who is trying to escape, and fixes her gaze on Skywalk. He looks side to side in a panic, points at Stryker saying "I didnt do it, ma'am! HE did, I swear!"  
  
The female Terminator looms over Skywalk,  
  
"Never call me Ma'am! And didn't your parents teach you never to swear young man?!"  
  
Skywalker faints at her feet. The female Terminator fixes her gaze on Stryker and Stryker sends Steve Irwin The Crocodile Hunter to do battle with her.  
  
Stryker, Alice, and Kiya goes after George Lucas Stryker bares his teeth, brandishes his claws and hisses, Alice grabs a bat'leth and stands ready to strike, and Kiya grabs Tiko, her apache brother, who nabs a couple of bazookas and they all weild their worst on George Lucas, who runs screaming like a girl.  
  
Meanwhile the mirror universe Pretoria appears on the screen, and Out of nowhere, Pee, of the Pee Continuum appears and attempts to wink George Lucas out of existence... instead, he turns into the mirror Jar Jar Binks, a super intelligent beligerent lifeform who takes a pee on Peee  
  
instead, he turns into the mirror Jar Jar Binks, a super intelligent beligerent lifeform who takes a pee on Peee  
  
Instantly changing Pee into Arr, simply because the Q continuum would not have him become a Q!  
  
Super Intelligent Jar Jar Binks calls George Lucas on his cellphone for a contract negotiation,  
  
But all Jar Jar hears from George's end of the phonecall is............ the sound of Q in a jealous rage smacking around George Lucas for screwing up his own universe, something Q has never been able to do to his universe.  
  
Meanwhile, in the, in the Vanity Mirror universe, Padme Amidala stares at a real mirror, wondering when the Vanity Mirror Lucas will give her another costume as Steve irwin walks up behind and tries to make her mad enough to fight him.  
  
Meanwhile, back in the real universe, the aliens from "Distant Origins" are collected in a big room.  
  
Generic Politician: If this works, we will finally be able to talk with people from another universe!  
  
A humming noise builds up to a roar, then Steve Irwin and Amidala pop into the room.  
  
Steve Irwin does an evil smile  
  
Alien: Uh-oh.......  
  
Alien starts running and yells: Help!  
  
Man tackles the alien and pins him/her down. Steve Irwin holds Alien down: "Crikey, What a liddle bewdy!"  
  
Alien gives the man nasty glares. Steve Irwin "Didja see that!"  
  
The female Terminator then rips Steve Irwin apart.  
  
The Charmed Ones "orb" onto the Pretoria's bridge. Which they find is knee deep in peanut butter. Some kind soul has even painted the seats and consoles in grape jelly, and no one knows where to go. While slocking through, they step on many interesting things, such as a leftover tribble and a slice of pizza (probably from the late shift, those sneaky swine). Suddenly, out from the Peanut Butter, comes....  
  
Buffy the Vampire Slayer, the Simpsons, and the Pilsbury Doughboy begin shaking off all the goo, throwing all over everyone and everything.  
  
But in the mess, someone eats the Doughboy, (Homer most likely), the rest of the Simpsons are locked in the brig, and Buffy the Vampire Slayer has an ongoing tiff with the rest of the Charmed Ones, so she just ignores them.  
  
When Godzilla appeared, flying through space. Godzilla uses atomic stincy attack breath on his own, cupped hands. The fetid, toxic vapours Godzilla inhaled, result in a horrible, painful and long overdue death.  
  
As the scaley behometh slowly crumpled into oblivion, a small crack appeared on the Pretoria's hull.  
  
Cracks were an almost unknown lifeform. Generally, they were small and slim. The young were microscopic, but the could grow very quickly, in the right environment. This one was a juvenile, and if you had been standing (or floating) next to it, you would have probably not seen its sudden, jagged, but sinous appearance.  
  
The Cracks were distant cousins of the Fissures, the difference was in purpose and scale. Fissures were into planetary domination, Cracks were far more benign, but still a force to be reckoned with.  
  
Cracks loved Matter, they craved it, but Matter did not like Cracks, Matter shied away from Cracks as much as it could - great, gaping voids of hate could built up. Eventually, the Crack realised that the gap between itself and Matter could not be bridged, and put upon themselves a restriction:  
  
"Only other sentient Matter that required Cracks would be contacted."  
  
So today, biscuits and cookies, have Cracks in them. So does a Safe and your bottom. Computers are riddled with them and people 'crack' a joke and a smile.  
  
Such a small, almost insignificant, life form........ it would be difficult to live without them.  
  
As for the Pretoria?........As the Crack on its hull grew and matured, and widened its horizons, a lowly ensign, studying the problem jumped up and declared:  
  
"I belive I have cracked it"  
  
The moral? The solution is inherent in the problem.  
  
As for the Crack, once again, Matter, and in this instance a new player, Energy spurned it.  
  
The Crack floated out, and away from its love. If it were capable of crying, tears would have streamed down. Instead, a dry resolution took hold. It would have all that it desired. It turned slowly in space, its movement regular, like a metrenome.  
  
A new target presented itself. The Crack moved with purpose. Intent.  
  
The object did not stand a chance.  
  
As it slowly rotated, the object presented itself, open, and honest, and was defiled.  
  
The Crack and a small booster rocket that had failed to undergo re-entry, tumbled off into eternity. The Crack, forever wondering why its love was not requited? And the Booster Rocket, asking why it was doomed to be just a sex object.  
Barney Gumble from the Simpsons shows up and says "I used to be a fat, disgusting slob" then burps really loud.  
  
Stryker, Alice and Kiya joins in, burping contest  
  
They wonder if their Cardassian Chief Engineer will join in. Gul Fat, breaks wind. Stryker and a million blonds, drowns in Albertus's wave ....  
  
Kiya isnt blonde, and grins wickedly at Gul Fat, saying, "Don't start what you can't finish!"  
  
For which Stryker's eyes goes round and he flees in early warning defense. He knows she's had a huge mexican dinner, heavy on the refried beans, the night before. And that she's not playing around!  
  
She grits her teeth, and lets it rip. Kiya grits her teeth, and lets it rip............  
  
Alice shots a hole in the hull to vent the fumes, even more deadly than the vacuum of space.  
  
Then the classic cast of Battlestar Galatica shows up .... 


End file.
